Meat
by
Terry Bisson
Imagine if you will...
we are not
alone in the universe...
Exactly what could they
think of
us once they meet us...
One alien officer
talking to his
superior...
"They're made out of
meat."
"Meat?"
"Meat. They're made out of
meat."
"Meat?"
"There's no doubt about it.
We
picked several from different parts of the planet, took them aboard our
recon vessels, probed them all the way through. They're completely
meat."
"That's impossible. What
about the
radio signals? The messages to the stars."
"They use the radio waves
to talk,
but the signals don't come from them. The signals come from
machines."
"So who made the
machines? That's
who we want to contact."
"They made the machines.
That's
what I'm trying to tell you. Meat made the machines."
"That's ridiculous. How can
meat
make a machine? You're asking me to believe in sentient meat."
"I'm not asking you, I'm
telling
you. These creatures are the only sentient race in the sector and
they're
made out of meat."
"Maybe they're like the
Orfolei.
You know, a carbon-based intelligence that goes through a meat
stage."
"Nope. They're born meat
and they
die meat. We studied them for several of their life spans, which didn't
take too long. Do you have any idea the life span of meat?"
"Spare me. Okay, maybe
they're only
part meat. You know, like the Weddilei. A meat head with an
electron
plasma brain inside."
"Nope. We thought of that,
since
they do have meat heads like the Weddilei. But I told you, we
probed
them. They're meat all the way through."
"No brain?"
"Oh, there is a brain all
right.
It's just that the brain is made out of meat!"
"So... what does the
thinking?"
"You're not understanding,
are
you? The brain does the thinking. The meat."
"Thinking meat! You're
asking me
to believe in thinking meat!"
"Yes, thinking meat!
Conscious
meat! Loving meat. Dreaming meat. The meat is the whole deal! Are you
getting
the picture?"
"Omigod. You're serious
then. They're
made out of meat."
"Finally, Yes. They are
indeed
made out meat. And they've been trying to get in touch with us for
almost
a hundred of their years."
"So what does the meat
have in mind?"
"First it wants to talk to
us.
Then I imagine it wants to explore the universe, contact other
sentients,
swap ideas and information. The usual."
"We're supposed to talk to
meat?"
"That's the idea. That's
the message
they're sending out by radio. 'Hello. Anyone out there? Anyone home?'
That
sort of thing."
"They actually do talk,
then. They
use words, ideas, concepts?"
"Oh, yes. Except they do it
with
meat."
"I thought you just told
me they
used radio."
"They do, but what do you
think
is on the radio? Meat sounds. You know how when you slap or flap
meat it makes a noise? They talk by flapping their meat at each
other.
They can even sing by squirting air through their meat."
"Omigod. Singing meat.
This is altogether
too much. So what do you advise?"
"Officially or
unofficially?"
"Both."
"Officially, we are
required to
contact, welcome, and log in any and all sentient races or multibeings
in the quadrant, without prejudice, fear, or favor. Unofficially, I
advise
that we erase the records and forget the whole thing."
"I was hoping you would say
that."
"It seems harsh, but there
is a
limit. Do we really want to make contact with meat?"
"I agree one hundred
percent. What's
there to say?" `Hello, meat. How's it going?' But will this work? How
many
planets are we dealing with here?"
"Just one. They can
travel to other
planets in special meat containers, but they can't live on them. And
being
meat, they only travel through C space. Which limits them to the speed
of light and makes the possibility of their ever making contact pretty
slim. Infinitesimal, in fact."
"So we just pretend
there's no one
home in the universe."
"That's it."
"Cruel. But you said it
yourself,
who wants to meet meat? And the ones who have been aboard our vessels,
the ones you have probed? You're sure they won't remember?"
"They'll be considered
crackpots
if they do. We went into their heads and smoothed out their meat so
that
we're just a dream to them."
"A dream to meat! How
strangely
appropriate, that we should be meat's dream."
"And we can mark this
sector unoccupied."
"Good. Agreed, officially
and unofficially.
Case closed. Any others? Anyone interesting on that side of the
galaxy?"
"Yes, a rather shy but
sweet hydrogen
core cluster intelligence in a class nine star in G445 zone. Was in
contact
two galactic rotations ago, wants to be friendly again."
"They always come
around."
"And why not? Imagine how
unbearably,
how unutterably cold the universe would be if one were all alone."
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