God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions. Please keep in mind that your responses will be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or address unless you prefer a direct response to comments or suggestions.

How Did You Find Out About Your Deity?
Newspaper	Bible	Torah
Book of Mormon	Divine Inspiration	Dead Sea Scrolls
Television	Tabloid	My Mama Told Me
Burning Shrubbery	Near Life Experience	Near Death Experience
National Public Radio	Other (please specify):

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Which Model Deity Did You Acquire?
Yahweh	Jehovah	Father, Son & Holy Ghost (Trinity Pak)
Krishna	Allah	Zeus & entourage (Olympus Pak)
Satan	Gaia / Earth Mother	Odin & entourage (Valhalla Pak)
Jesus	Mithra	God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)
None of the above, I was taken in by a false god

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Did Your God Come To You Undamaged, With All Parts In Good Working Order and With No Obvious Breakage or Missing Attributes?
Yes	No

IF NO, please indicate the problems you initially encountered here. Check all that apply:

Not eternal

Finite/Does not occupy the entire cosmos

Not omniscient

Not omnipotent

Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)

Permits sex outside of marriage

Prohibits sex outside of marriage

Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, et al)

Permits bad things to happen to good people

Looks after life other than that on Earth (particularly that galaxy in Virgo full of Jews)

When beseeched, doesn't stay besecheed

Requires:      burnt offerings      virgin sacrifices      foreskins

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What Factors Were Relevant In Your Decision to Acquire a Deity? Please check all that apply.
Indoctrinated by parents	Needed a reason to live
Indoctrinated by society	Needed focus in whom to despise
Imaginary friend grew up	Wanted to know Jesus in the Biblical sense
Hate to think for myself	Wanted to meet girls/boys
Fear of death	Wanted to piss off parents
Fear of life	Needed a day away from work
Desperate need for certainty	Like organ music
Need to feel Morally Superior	Thought Jerry Falwell was cool
Shit was falling out of the sky	My shrubbery told me to do it

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Are You Currently Using Medication?
Yes	No

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>Have You Ever Worshipped a Deity Before? If so, please check false god(s) you were fooled by.
Mick Jagger	Cthulhu	The Almighty Dollar
Bill Gates	Left Wing Liberalism	The Radical Right
The Sun	Baal	Ra
The Moon	Beelzebub	The Designated Hitter Rule
The Great Spirit	The Great Pumpkin	Cindy Crawford
A burning shrubbery	Elvis	Dennis Rodman
Tinky Winky	Other: _________________

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Are You Currently Using Any Other Source of Inspiration Besides God? Check all that apply.
Tarot	Astrology	Lottery
Television	Fortune cookies	Ann Landers
Dianetics	Palmistry	Psychic Friends Network
Self-help books	Biorhythms	Masturbation
Alcohol	Bill Clinton	Hollywood
Tea Leaves	EST	CompuServe
Mantras	Jimmy Swaggert	Crystals
Human Sacrifice	Pyramids	Wandering around the desert
Insurance policies	Burning shrubbery	Tinky Winky
Barney Fife	Sex, Drugs, Rock & Roll	Other: _________________

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God Employs a Limited Degree of Divine Intervention to Preserve a Balanced Level of Felt Presence and Blind Faith. Your Preference Is? Check all that apply.
More Divine Intervention	Current level of Divine Intervention is just right
Less Divine Intervention	Don't know... what's Divine Intervention?

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God Also Attempts to Maintain a Balanced Level of Disasters and Miracles... Please rate on a scale of 1-5 his handling of the following (1 unsatisfactory, 5 excellent). DISASTERS:
_____ Flood	_____ Famine	_____ Earthquakes
_____ War	_____ Pestilence	_____ Plague
_____ SPAM	_____ AOL	_____ Plague

MIRACLES:
_____ Rescues	_____ Spontaneous remissions
_____ Crying statues	_____ Stars hovering over jerkwater towns
_____ Water changing to wine	_____ Water changing to ice
_____ Walking on water	_____ VCRs that set their own clocks
_____ Saddam Hussein still alive	_____ Getting any sex whatsoever

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Do You Have Any Additional Comments or Suggestions For Improving The Quality of God's Services? (Attach an additional sheet if necessary)

If you are able to complete the questionnaire and return it to one of our conveniently located drop-off boxes at least 30 days before the Rapture, you will be entered in the One Free Miracle of Your Choice drawing (chances of winning are approximately one in 6.023 x 1023, depending on number of beings entered).